


Hold that Thought

by GraviR



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Akuze, Citadel, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Sarcasm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tragedy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 14:29:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6119306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraviR/pseuds/GraviR
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Shepard, the redemption-longing former criminal and the last surviving soldier of Akuze, is rumored to be ruthless and cold-hearted towards his peers in the Alliance military. Living with his dark past, John later becomes a graduate of N7 and reunites with his former mentor David Anderson to serve in one of the best starships in the galaxy with hopes to redeem himself, only to face more dreadful decisions and moral dilemmas in the midst of a galactic war. </p>
<p>There, he meets a fellow soldier whom he wants to understand and, who in return longs to understand him. Maybe he was the one who wanted to understand him more, he couldn't remember why or how. However, their feelings were put on hold by many unfortunate circumstances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forget and Live Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Been wanting to write a mshenko fanfic from Shy Shepard's point of view so going to plan a series of memoir-esque writing. This is also my first work on any fandom when it comes to writing so comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.

                                                                                

 

  
"You have to go, Private Shepard!"

"I'm not leaving you, Corporal! We just have to get to the rendezvous point. If I can just get you there--"

"Shepard, look at me!"

I gave a nervous look at the man in front of me, who was now shaking both of my shoulders with his bloody hands. Even with all the chaos filled with shrieking screams and booming explosions surrounding us, his voice remained unshaken. By then I knew what he was going to say. I couldn't help but glanced away to see one of the horrid creatures bursting out from the ground and clawing and splitting a marine soldier's back from behind.

  
Fifty trained marines Gone. One by one. Massacred by those giant worms every minute.

  
If his voice hadn't distracted me, the sight of the horror would have numbed every sense that I had.

  
"Focus, Shepard!" he said as his grip on my shoulders tightened. "We're just slowing each other down and we both know there are more than one of those things running around!"

"Corporal Toombs, I'm sorry, sir, but we still have a chance to escape!" I replied, wanting to dismiss his claim immediately. The forethought of me being the only survivor of this mission was beyond unthinkable. I shook my head repeatedly. "Maybe we can find a way to distract them. Just maybe--"

"John. Dammit, I'm injured!" The man's hands shifted from my shoulders to the sides of my helmet while his firm expression now softened into a faint smile. Pulling my head closer to his own, Corporal Toombs tried to assure me one last time.

"Let me be clear, John. Right now, you have more chances at surviving at this than I do. And that could only happen if those damn things' attention isn't on you!"

"Daniel--"

"This is an order, Private!" He pushed me away reluctantly at my mention of his first name. "Run to a higher point where they can't attack you by surprise. Don't let them reach you and don't ever look back. Go, I'll cover you!"

I sighed as I realized that I could not change his mind anymore. Taking a few steps away from the man, I still had my sight towards him as he started reloading his Avenger assault rifle.

"What about you, Corporal?" I raised my voice loud enough for him to hear it.

"Stubborn as ever, huh, Shepard?" Daniel Toombs started to turn back to the direction we were running away from. "Call me stupid, but I'm not letting these shitheads attack our base and live. I'm going back and greenlighting the explosives in the Comm room before they figure out I'm still alive. I'm taking them with me."

"Corporal Toombs.."

"This could be adrenaline in me speaking... but I've enjoyed serving with you, John." He nodded and gave me a brief salute before turning around. "One of the damn best."

"Me, too." I mumbled at his back with hope that he could still hear me. "Be careful."

"Go! Survive this, you hear?!"

The rumbling sounds from the underground got louder as the distance between us was further and further by the second. I took one last look at him before forcing my legs to sprint faster and faster towards the opposite direction. As the screams of marine soldiers and the shrieks of those creatures soon drowned out along with the sounds of gunfire, I longed to look back at the commotion one last time.

I kept running. I wanted to turn around. But I knew I couldn't turn back.

I would have stopped running in an instant. I wouldn't dare trusting my instinct that I shouldn't abandon my fellow marines and that I should fall along with them and die fighting those monstrous creatures bravely. An immediate regret would have stunted my desperate self-reasoning for escaping this hellhole. At this point, surviving long enough to make it to the destined location in order to be rescued by the Alliance soldiers, and to report the incident in Akuze, would be considered an accomplishment to my unit's mission, which was to investigate the lost communication from the newly formed colony.

  
Or maybe that was just what I wanted myself to believe.

It doesn't matter how I wanted myself to believe. The fact of the matter was that now all the soldiers of Akuze lost their lives in their line of duty, and I didn't, because I was only competent enough to escape. With these feelings of guilt, the what-if scenarios constantly had replayed in my mind every day and night.

... If only I was a bit earlier on questioning Corporal Toombs about the suspicious rumbling from the ground. If only I could let the engineers know sooner about the forthcoming danger so they they can override the Alliance communication channels faster...

I woke up startled, to continuous sounds of beeping echos across the dimly lit room. I was lying on a bottom bunk bed instead of a worn out stretcher and the rescue team with their soldiers extending their hands out to me had vanished altogether. The imagery of Alliance fighters flying over the rampaging creatures on Akuze base camp was slowly fading away.

The mental images of what happened at the Akuze slowly flashed away from my mind as I realized that I hadn't had the same nightmare for some time.  
  
Reliving Akuze in my head wasn't as common as it used to be, especially ever since I joined the N7 training program. Wiping my sweat in a slight panic and rubbing my eyes with my arm, I got up and walked towards the computer terminal that was emitting the beeps.

"Hey, Shepard!" Hearing the familiar voice and seeing the figure from the terminal couldn't help but made me smile a bit, but knowing who he was, I immediately stood at attention immediately and gesture a hand salute.

"I see ranking at N7 hasn't changed you to a morning person yet." He shook his head. "What a waste of training."

"Anderson." I chuckled, rather feeling embarrassed. "That is inaccurate, sir. I think you're just ringing at me at an earlier time."

"All right, Shepard. At ease, at least for now." Anderson laughed heartily as I lowered my hand down. "I know you had a hell of a day with the graduation ceremony yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to properly congratulate you face to face."

"So... you'd like to congratulate me over the comm terminal?" I retorted at him with a raised eyebrow while folding my hands. "With all due respect, sir... I'm already grateful with that fine speech you gave to all of us. So there's no need-"

"Non-sense!" Anderson cut me off right away, pointing his finger at me. "Well, you're technically on shore leave, so why not have breakfast this morning outside of base, just you and me? My treat. Not as soldiers, just as regular people. Remember to show up in casual, too. We don't want to scare the civilians away in the café."

"All right, Anderson. You win." I replied wearily. "I'll be ready in an hour."

"Much better. Meet me at the Sunshine's Diner 10 miles north of base. Anderson out. "

"Aye aye, sir."  
  
I shook my head gently, trying my best to hide a smile as the terminal screen shut off. I couldn't help but felt proud of myself and a bit flattered that with all the duties and busy schedules ahead, Anderson had managed to find some time to contact his former student, who was also some random kid that he met here on Earth a long time ago. If another officer was to invite me to a casual eat-out, I would have felt suspicious at this point, wondering if it was just that or something else.

Something else, like the whole breakfast was going to be an actual cover up for a psychological exam.

But when it came to Anderson, there was no need for suspicion towards him whatsoever. Even if he could be the one interrogating me secretly under the guise of treating me breakfast, there was no way I can hold anything against him.He was not just some high ranked random officer from Systems Alliance that I answered to. He was someone whom I had long aspired to be. He was more than just a mentor to me, having me convinced a long time ago- that my purpose in life did not have to revolve around theft and murder. I mean, the man knew how to persuade a hardass and despite of how stubborn I was, in the end, it was me who gave up crime life for all the right reasons. If it weren't for his conviction that I was still strong after Akuze, I would have ended up living with this inexplicable guilt for the rest of my life.

So yeah, I was down and ready to prove it to him that I was still sane. No matter what.

 

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

  
"Over here, Shepard!" Anderson waved at me, while sitting from his table in one corner of the cafe and standing out like landing lights in his N7 official jacket.

"So much for casual, eh, Anderson?"

"Hey, not bringing your armor and guns to a cafe counts as being casual in my book. Come on, son. Have a seat."

I nodded as I sat in a leather lounge chair facing across him. Although it was eight in the morning, the place looked packed already with people going in and out, and some settling in for a cup of Joe and a breakfast meal. With all the commotion, the atmosphere felt a bit strange to me. Seeing all the people's interactions this way, was something I've never experienced before.

Well, that was a lie to myself. During the ICT training, before Akuze and with the Reds, there were even more interactions that reminds me of this atmosphere.

Then I realized that I was reminiscing again, so I instantly stopped. I desperately tried to stop thinking.

About anything.

_'Just think about the present, think of where you are now, Shepard.'_

Anderson seemed to notice my slight distress. His hand's sudden reached to my shoulder proves that right away.

"You all right, Shepard?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm good." I answered, a bit startled by his concern."

"You know where to go if something's wrong.", said Anderson. "You can always go back to Dr. Alvarez for off-record counseling-"

"I said I'm fine, Anderson." I cut him off with a firm tone. "You saw me how I was on Arturus and how I am now. I'm doing..fine."

"Yeah, I know you are." Anderson said as he retreated his hand. "Hell, even the doc said you were completely fine. Either he legitimately believes that you are or he got scared by how determined you were to get out of that intensive recuperative therapy."

"Very funny." I shook my head with a sigh to Anderson's bad call for a joke. Maybe it was probably best to bring up an entirely different subject.

"Well?"

"What?"

"Well, where is it, sir? Where's my congratulatory breakfast?"

The tension suddenly loosened as Anderson started cracking up at my aggravated one liner.

"Shepard, Just when I thought you've all grown up,..." He said, suppressing his stomach with his hands as a way to stop his laughter. "All right, go for it."

"Hello, boys. Ready to order now?:

With a jolt, I immediately reached for the menu data pad as soon as I heard the waitress' voice and started burying my face into it like some kid that just got allowed to open all the presents in the world. The waitress looked a bit confused at as she took a brief glance at Anderson, only to receive a smile back from him.

"I can order anything? I didn't bring any credit with me."

"Go crazy, son. You've earned it."

Right after whispering to myself a 'yay', I started pressing one button after another at the bottom of the images of the savory breakfast meals and handed the data pad to the waitress while Anderson just flashed out a number one with his finger to her. All the meals from the screen all looked like they would taste good, and as long as Anderson wouldn't complain, it was all fine by me. I was sure the act of being spoiled by Anderson would get old by this point, but it never did. This was how we used to hang out whenever there was good occasion to celebrate for Anderson or me.

Like the time when I declared to him about leaving the Reds, the day when I was officially recruited as a private in the military, and the day when I was dismissed from the Army Hospital. Hell, he still celebrated with me every time he got promoted to higher ranks. The celebration would continue with my rank graduation from N1 to N6, and now N7. At one point, I remember asking him why he would bother celebrating with a kid he didn't know, and he replied with a short mutter "I don't know, compensation I guess". I hadn't wondered about his answer since then, but now, I felt like it would be too late to ask him what his answer meant back then.

"Uh oh, what the hell are you thinking this time?" Anderson interrupted my thoughts.

"Nothing, sir." I replied.

"You know, you remind me of that kid from my unit. Just keeps things to himself and does his duty when told. Very hard to get a word out of him. Tragic past, too. But he's a good soldier. And that's all that matters."

"Aren't we all supposed to be this way?" My eyes shifted away to the wall next to our table. "Just move forward. And do whatever you think is right and good for the mankind until you can't do it anymore."

"Is that how you've been dealing?"

"Y-Yes, Anderson." I answered with my head down. "The only way for me."

"If anyone else comes up to me saying that, I would've been concerned for them right away and tell them to quit it because it's self-destructive."

There was a slight pause.

"But you, Shepard. I've got no worries for you. You've been through everything. You deserve to get a chance to try and forget what's happened and move on. If that works for you, then I won't say anything."

"Yeah." I said letting out a huge breath. "I'm aware it's not healthy long term. I.. just..I can't still forgive myself."

"When the time comes, just come to terms with who you are and what you've become. Accept your mistakes and failures from the past because you're sure gonna make a ton of them in the future."

"Easier said than done." I responded hesitantly. "I'm not a war hero like you, Anderson."

"Maybe not." Anderson folded his arms. "But you're a survivor. You survived Akuze and you survived the Blitz. Alliance would've thought twice about putting you back in uniform after Akuze but you've proven all of us wrong. I know you'll find answers some day, Shepard. If anyone I know can get through this, it's John Shepard."

"Well, sir. I don't know what to say." I .scratched the nape of my neck with unease. "I mean you're putting a lot of good faith in me so can't help but say that I'm flattered."

"Good." Anderson sighed. "You better stay flattered because in a few seconds, I'm gonna say something that's even more insane."

For some reason, Anderson's words chilled me down to my spine. "What do you mean?"

"Here's for you." Anderson's eyes shifted away as the waitress returned with a large plate of Country Omelette with sausage and bacon and a glass of milk on a large tray. She laid them on the table before she offered a wine glass to Anderson. Anderson put a hand up and the waitress seemed to remember his gesture with a smile, because the next thing she offered to Anderson was a can of beer, which Anderson accepted. _Wait, does this place sell beer?_

"Enjoy." She left our table with a smirk that got me thinking that maybe I shouldn't have ordered a glass of milk in the first place.

"Beer for breakfast?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "Are you about to tell me that I am your long lost son?"

"Hah! Don't be ridiculous." Anderson cracked up another laughter before opening the beer can and taking down a huge gulp.

"Expecting something insane, sir." I remarked, anticipating his response.

"Yeah." Anderson smiled as his hands fidgeted with the can on the table. "Listen, I was just given an important position by the Alliance... No, it's probably one of the best damn things I was given my entire career. Shepard, believe it or not, I was given command. I was just given command of the best ship from mankind. Shepard, this is SSV Normandy we're talking about."

"SSV Normandy? You mean, the first stealth-based frigate? The one that's built by us and the turians? The one that got approved by the Council?"

"That's the one." Anderson answered with a satisfying grin. "The best of the best."

"Sir, that's great news!" I exclaimed, feeling as if I want to give the man a salute right away even with an empty stomach. I had heard about the prototype Spaceship being built back when I was training in ICT, but wouldn't have guessed in a million years that the honorary position of being her captain would go to Anderson, the man who had been the source of my motivation and inspiration half my lifetime.

"Too bad I didn't really bring any credit with me. I really kept my word, you know?"

"Easy, son." Anderson smirked. "The insane part isn't here yet."

"What could be more insane than you taking command of humanity's best ship?" I responded with a puzzled look.

"I've already picked my own crew and we're all ready to go on our first mission, but there's still one vacant spot left."

My eyes widened. Was he going to say what I think he is going to say?

"Anderson, if you say what I think you're gonna say, then yes, I will gladly sign up. I'd like to be a member of your crew. I am ready to be on board."

"Not just a member of my crew, soldier." Anderson's firmer tone made me slightly more nervous.

"I would be honored to have you as my second-in-command."

 


	2. Impractical Oath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard gets aboard on Normandy.

  
"Arcturus, this is SSV Washington, requesting permission to land. I repeat. Arcturus, this is SSV Washington, requesting permission to land."

"SSV Washington, this is Arcturus. Stand by for clearance."  
The transmission exchange between the communication channels continued when Anderson and Captain Ruiz were saluting each other.

"Thanks for the transport to Arcturus, Captain Ruiz." said Anderson after withdrawing from salute. "I know this was unusual for your frigate to travel all the way out here using a mass relay. But we didn't have a choice. Hastings was unavailable."

"What, are you kidding?" Captain Ruiz laughed. "If anything, this was a practice test run for this frigate and our crew. Besides we were traveling in one of the safest mass relays from Earth. We have Arcturus patrol frigates to thank for that."

"Roger that." Anderson nodded as he turned his attention to me, who was gazing at the entrance of Arcturus' dock from the flight deck along with Washington's pilot and few crew members.

Unlike the pilot's and the crew members' awed reaction, the sight of Arcturus is nothing of strange to me because it felt like I had seen it a million times. This grand space station was where I volunteered for Interplanetary Combatives Training Program after all, despite protests from Systems Alliance, stating that I was mentally unfit to train. Of course, the program itself was harsh, brutal and unforgiving as hell, but I still dived in knowing that it could be the chance to better myself.

I also thought it could help me escape from whatever I was thinking in my head at the time...  
...which it did.  
...for a while.

"You ready, Commander Shepard?" Anderson approached towards with a self-assured grin as the crew members scattered around to prepare for the landing.

"Yes, sir!" I exclaimed, with a slight surprised expression at his mention of my new position. "Ready for Normandy."

"Good." Anderson responded. "As soon as Washington lands, we'll be transferring to Normandy right away. So sadly, it's a no stay in Arcturus this time."

"I'm fine with that." I assured him, adjusting my hand grip on the luggage I was carrying. "Never missed here in the first place anyway."

This time, Anderson did not respond to my remark. But the look on his face suggested a slight hint of sympathy, which I was sure he did not want to project it onto me. It was reasonable. He might have been close to me like a relative outside of Alliance, but here in Alliance, on Arcturus, and on Normandy, he was now my superior. And the last thing that I wanted to do was to disappoint his expectations.

"Clearance granted. Welcome aboard, Washington."  
The comm signal from Arcturus concluded as SSV Washington landed successfully on Dock 2A of the military space station. The crew, along with the Captain and we saluted and said our departure greetings as the exit of the frigate finally was unsealed. Anderson and I gave a nod to each other and approached towards the stairs that would eventually lead to the ground of the notorious space station.

Whatever I was feeling was at the time included mixed excitement and fear. But I assured myself that it was normal to be this way. As long as I could balance the two, and wouldn't start spazzing out, it' was fine. It was okay to feel this way.

"Shepard.." Anderson paused.  
"Sir."  
"About Akuze.." His voice turned solemn. "There still isn't any update since I made contact with the colony. Thought I would like you to know that."

"Thanks for trying, Captain." I responded, unshaken by his answer. Anderson bringing up Akuze all of a sudden reminded me of how often I would urge him to investigate the massacre behind Akuze during my recovery phase, and he would always give me the same answer after disappearing for a while. I used to believe that those were all lies, until one day Anderson handed me the dogtags. By then, I realized that some truths were meant to be hidden.

"Captain Anderson!"

A not too familiar voice startled both and Anderson and I, who ended up turning our heads to the direction towards Systems Alliance base's main gateway. I contained my hardest not to appear to be surprised as soon as I saw who it was, while Anderson somehow maintained his consoling expression.

"Admiral Hackett." Anderson saluted, and I followed his action immediately.

"It wouldn't have hurt to drop a visit in my office while you're here, Anderson."  
  
It was subtle, but I could already tell there was some unrelieved tension between Anderson and Hackett. Hackett approached closer towards as with two armed soldiers followed behind him.

"Sorry, Admiral." Anderson replied, withdrawing from his salute. "But time is running out and we already have enough fuel and resources on Normandy. We need to be on our first mission as soon as possible."

"I see." Hackett's eyes narrowed as he shifted his attention to me with a discerning look. At this point, I knew enough to be able to confront a superior who once rejected my ICT application. I knew he was not as hostile towards me now compared to how he was back then, but I still felt as if I had yet to prove to him with something somehow.

Somehow not blinking my eyes and staring right into his own just happened to be my first step to prove myself.

"I suppose congratulations are in order, Commander Shepard. You accomplished a lot in such as a short amount of time. I was wrong to have doubted you."

"T-Thank you, Admiral." I answered, glancing at Anderson and feeling slightly confused. In return, Anderson gave me a stern nod.

"Don't worry about the Alliance butting in for now because believe it or not, you've caught the attention of the Citadel Council. They wanted to see how well you will perform."

"How is that possible?" I asked after withdrawing salute, feeling confused.

"You will learn how in time, Commander. Anderson will brief you about that once you get settled in Normandy. Just know that when duty calls, the Alliance expects you to be ready at your best."

"Yes, sir. I won't let you, Anderson and the Alliance down."

"That is all we ask." Hackett nodded and turned to Anderson. "We'll keep in touch."

Anderson returned a nod. "Will do, Admiral."

I watched Hackett retreated back to Arcturus station while Anderson started to fasten his pace towards the docks.

"Wait, Anderson!" I exclaimed, following while trying to keep up with him. "What the hell was that about?"

"What do you mean?"

"The whole thing with the Citadel Council keeping their eyes on me." I rolled my eyes at him. "Am I not qualified enough to be in Alliance? Are they going out of their way to get me out of Alliance?"

"Commander Shepard!" Anderson paused suddenly with a stern look to my face. By then, I suddenly had realized what I had said and embarrassment came across my face. And like some guilty kid, I looked down at the ground immediately.

"Shepard, you need to stop doubting yourself." Anderson drew a deep breath. "There is no way the Alliance would just voluntarily send an N7 commando to Citadel Security Forces just because they like how our military works."

"Then why, Captain?" I sighed, a bit relieved by his response but still felt unsatisfied. "What is it that you aren't telling me?"

"I gotta admit, Shepard. It got a reaction out of me when I heard it from Hackett before my trip back to Earth. But as much as you're dying to know, this is something we should be discussing in the briefing room. No excuses. Understood?"

"Understood, sir." I finally gave in. "But I'm jumping ship once I find out there's gonna be an asari waiting to escort me to Citadel. Just saying."

"You would suit better as Ambassador Udina's secretary, I won't lie." Anderson smirked, stroking his chin as I jolted immediately at his meer mention of an infamous name.

"You what?" I retorted, this time seriously hoping that Anderson did not mean what he had just said. Sadly enough, his laughter followed afterward.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Luckily for me, there was not a single asari waiting for me at the exit hatch of SSV Normandy. Instead, there were the crew members of Normandy waiting for our arrival. Approaching closer towards Normandy, I began to realize at how colossal and marvelous the ship looked for a stealth frigate. How a size this big could sneak around the relay paths, I could never figure it out. The interior of Normandy didn't disappoint me either although her design was heavily influenced by turian.

The introduction then was just how I expected it to be- trivial yet dedicated. Anderson never mentioned my past while he introduced me to them but I already knew that it was expected that they would know who I was. Thankfully, they did not look too concerned with me being instated as their new XO. I guessed that just went to show how much of an upright Anderson really was that they were willing to work with me. Throughout my first tour to Normandy with Anderson, we met Dr. Karin Chakwas, who was in charge of medical bay, Charles Pressly, who was responsible for navigating the ship, and Lieutenant Greg Adams, Chief Engineer who maintained the engines of Normandy, and Corporal Jenkins, who was a fellow marine like me, likely experienced in being assigned to ground team assignments. Just before we would make our way to the command deck, through the stairs, then to flight deck to meet the pilot of Normandy, we were interrupted by someone, who I would call somewhat of an acquaintance of mine.

"Nihlus!" I called out to him as he approached towards us.

"Looks like introductions aren't needed for this one." Anderson remarked.

"He was one of the guest instructors from my last ICT." I explained. "Gave me a couple good pointers to pass the tests, too."

"And here you are, back in action." Nihlus responded. "So it wasn't just all talk back there."

"I have Anderson to thank for that." I said, pointing my open palm towards Anderson. "He made all of this possible."

Seeing Nihlus like this was a huge surpise for me. He was a turian special agent who was working for the Citadel Council after all. Back then, he and I would clash on many opinions during the first days of N7 training program. Being a spectre who preferred to work alone, Nihlus disliked and criticized my team-based strategies and solutions towards special assignments, stating that they were inefficient and cowardice, and that a high-ranked commando shouldn't always rely on his squadmates. Every time a class was under his instruction, there were always a commando or two who ended up exhausted from the training and some would even drop out of class afterwards. I remembered confronting him soon after and a consequent brawl followed, where no victories were declared. Since then, somehow we apparently became drinking buddies right after the brawl, learning a bit of something from each other. Despite our differences, we were both desperately willing to prove to ourselves and our superiors because of our backgrounds and social standings. Nihlus just happened to be more successful than I was at it because he was a crazy turian son of a bitch. It didn't make a damn sense but I did learn that you couldn't mistrust instincts from a guy like Nihlus who had accomplished such tasks with narrow margins of errors.

"Sorry to cut this reunion short but I need to discuss about something with Captain Anderson."

"Is this about our first mission?" I interjected before Anderson was going to respond.

"Partly." Nihlus cleared his throat. "And it is also about the other matter."

Anderson finally seemed to catch on what Nihlus meant by that because what followed after was them trying to get me out of their conversation.

"Oh yeah! I forgot." Anderson's posture became stiffer as he shifted his body towards me. "Shepard, why don't you go put your stuff away in the crew's sleeper pods area and catch up with us later? I'll send someone down with you to help you unpack."

"Uh-huuh, roger that." I narrowed my eyes at Anderson and Nihlus, who in turn did not wait for my answer and just strolled along the stairs together towards the command deck within a jiffy. Urging myself not to push on the subject again from earlier, I wearily walked down to the mess hall and then the crew's quarters where the sleeper pods were located. I would have felt a little bit lost and out of place if all the crew members were occupied with their own tasks but they weren't. Everyone would drop whatever they were doing and gave me a salute right away even if it wasn't necessary. It seemed as if everyone was content working under the command of Anderson and I would be, too, if Hackett and Anderson hadn't stonewalled me earlier.

Feeling a bit disappointed, I walked to a sleeper pod which hadn't been activated and seemed not to have tampered with wrinkled uniform and memorabilia. I activated the sleeper pod with a password that was given to my omnitool prior to my trip back to Arcturus and immediately the pod's hatch opened. I started lifting my luggage up then, just so I could place it on the storage area above the pod.

"Do you need help, Commander?" A slight raspy voice from a male was heard from my left.

"I'm good." I said without looking, instead having my complete attention on the area above the pod and trying miserably to fit the luggage into the slot.

"Are you sure?" The voice grew louder in my head as I felt more and more embarrassed. It wasn't even a matter of pride or maybe it was, I wasn't sure. All I knew was whatever I was trying to do at the moment was not going well. At all.

"Damn thing won't fit." I finally muttered to myself and lifted my ankles off the ground, to see what it was inside the slot that was making it difficult for the luggage to slide in easily.

"Here, let me help."

It was one of those once-in-a-while moments when time seemed to be slowing down all of a sudden with no warning whatsoever. But this time, I wasn't experiencing it on a battlefield. I didn't mind it at all though because I understood why right away. I took a glance at the shadow looming over me as the leather-scented cologne passed subtly through the air passed by me.

"There's a trick here." He continued, standing next to me and starting to attempt to tilt my luggage diagonally. "The turians preferred to have their storage expanded inward so the entrance gets smaller compared to the area inside. But it should work fine if you slide it down at an angle."

And it did. The luggage slid down a shallow but wide chute and then placed itself on the slot once it gets inside. Scratching my neck, I felt gullible all of a sudden.

"And no one complained about this?"

"Guess we all had to adapt one way or another."

"Yeah, never give those turians the satisfaction."

He made a brief chuckle at my retort, and I couldn't help but observed his body language as he retreated a couple steps away from me. There was something about him which I couldn't pinpoint and describe. Was he a marine? The distinct cleft chin fit his face so well along with his bold dark eyebrows arching over his hazel eyes. It took me a moment to realize that I hadn't been this interested over someone's appearance in such a long time.

"Commander?" His seemingly befuddled tone snapped me back to reality, leading me to realize that my eyes had been on his gaze way too long enough.

"I- uh." I stuttered, feeling like I just got caught in the act of staring a stranger right in his eyes without his permission. "We... haven't met."

His expression transformed to a more serious note once he coughed once and nodded. His salute soon followed before my palm gesture could stop him.

"Staff Lieutenant and Marine Detail Commander Alenko reporting in, sir."

"At ease, Lieutenant.. Alenko." I replied, slightly disappointed that I didn't get to learn his full name.

"I'm Shepard, Executive Officer and Commanding Officer. Just got hired today." I replied without a salute, hoping to relieve the serious tension that was subtly building up as we stood still a few feet away from each other.

"So I've been told." Lieutenant Alenko slightly nodded as his mouth curved slightly to form a smile. "Captain Anderson sent me here to see if you need help with anything."

"I see." I grinned as I patted softly on the storage box. "Well, you helped me out a lot with this damn thing so thank you."

"Not that kind of help." He insisted, much to my surprise.

"He asked if I could show you around the ship and introduce you to the crew members. You know, just basic protocols on how this whole thing works."

I looked away from him just so I could try my best to ignore the bits of nervousness in his tone. "I believe you missed out." I replied with a detached tone. "Captain Anderson already showed me around the ship and introduced me to the crew members. We pretty much covered almost about everything else. So I'm all good." As much as he was fun for me to gawk at, I figured it was time for me to stop getting distracted and focus on what was really important. Like just what the hell Anderson, Nihlus and the Alliance was hiding from me.  
Also it wasn't the time and the place to start believing in the theory so called "love at first sight". Maybe "lust at first sight" was more of a fitting feeling, but I wasn't willing to admit it.

"Oh, I thought Captain Anderson..." Lieutenant Alenko paused, probably realizing how I might have been a bit brash with my rejection to his offer. Maybe he would back away now and then I would probably regret about all of this later.

Hopefully, I wouldn't regret it, not even especially after finding out how attractive he really was.  
He looked away briefly and exclaimed, "Damn it, Joker! If he wasn't holding me back then, I would have been on time for your induction into Normandy. I apologize, Commander."

I gave him a puzzling look. "...We have a joker on board with us?" _Like a space clown?_

Another short-breathed chuckle escaped from Lieutenant Alenko. "No, he's our pilot, but you'll find out why he's called Joker by everyone soon."

"I sure damn hope so." I replied; feeling both a bit confused and amused.

He gave a slight nod to my response as he began to shift his stance towards the mess hall. "I'll be going then. Captain Anderson will be giving orders soon to depart Normandy as soon as we get the signal from Engineer Adams.”

"Got it." I said, with the returning thoughts on questionable presence of Nihlus and Anderson's hindrance from earlier. "Thanks for the heads up."

"No problem, Commander." He smiled as he turned and walked away.

I attempted my best not to keep my fixated stare at him, and instead focused on my luggage by fiddling with it until I was sure he was gone. After drawing out a long breath, I unclipped the luggage, which only contained the N7-branded onyx armor equipment, a spare uniform, and some personal belongings. Among the belongings, a small photo caught my attention as my hands reached out to it. The photo was of two young soldiers; one awkwardly standing still for the camera and other one flexing out his arms, as their comrades in the background pointed fingers and laughed heartily at them.

A curving smile formed on my face as I placed the photo in the slash pocket of my uniform. It had always been with me through the aftermath of Akuze, and the Skyllian Blitz. And now it has lasted enough to travel with me in Normandy. Some might call it a good luck charm, but to me, it was the symbolic representation of my failure, and the drive to do better. And now nothing would stop me from finishing missions with the least amount of casualities. I wanted to make sure every crew members in Normandy would survive, no matter how dangerous the mission could get.

 

I chuckled at my stupid thoughts of idealistic expectations.

 

 

 


End file.
